Silent pain

Disclaimer: The following is admittedly unfair in many ways and was written in a time of pain. There's a lot of bitterness and language that may make you uncomfortable. However, I chose to publish it because I feel that these are emotions that deserve to be heard. You don't have to read it. I won't feel hurt.

It should be illegal to bring a toddler to walk-in time at the fertility clinic. 

I know I'm being irrational, and completely unfair, but at the moment I’m writing this, there are two families sitting in the eating area of my fertility clinic who have small children with them. 

This isn’t a situation where mom didn’t have anywhere to leave them, they have dads with them and they’re so fucking cute.

I hate them. Watching them baby talk to each other makes me feel like I’m being stabbed. I can’t breathe, and I’m trying not to cry in a public place. 

I've failed. I couldn’t stop a couple of fat tears from rolling down my face, but I caught them on my sleeve. One assumes that, if families are in the clinic with children so young, that these children were conceived with treatments, and I wonder what they were thinking bringing joyously laughing babies to this place of sorrow. 

It's during these moments that I really wonder if I can continue to do this. I know that there are so many couples out there that have tried for years and gotten dozens of treatments and that they're committed to continuing to have a biological child regardless. Are these couples stronger than me? Are they better than me and therefore more equipped to be parents?

 Truth be told, I don't know how to cope with the emotional agony that this whole experience has created. In many ways, I know that we're lucky, but I also know that I don't feel that way. That I ache in so many ways. Patience has never been my strong suit, and I've waited so long for this. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.